Physical Park | The Health Centre

The limos arrived, the red carpet was rolled out, the Paparazzi, CNN, FOX NEWS and MSNBC were ready. Amidst screaming fans, the finalists for The Physical Park Squash Club Championships arrived. There were 12 gladiators, ready to do battle. First in the arena were Yves Quenneville and James Horvath. James had beaten the legend Jerry Poole in a squeaker. Would Yves stand a chance of winning? Yes! Yves pulled out all his tricks and danced around James. James went down in flames.

Next in the arena were Alex Von Huene and Ray Oesterreich battling for Men’s B. Speed and agility abounded, but all too quickly for Ray, it was over and Alex was the victor 3 – 0. Next to compete were Alex Zivic and Sylvain Turcotte, Men’s A consolation. The fans were not disappointed with the high calibre of play, but the match was over too quickly for Sylvain as he lost 3-0. Then came the match of the century. Christian Chevrier, the Godfather, was pitted against his Godson, Sebastien Boudreau. Christian had taught Sebastien everything he knew, but would he live to regret it? The games were long and arduous. Would Sebastien become Christian’s Ex-Godson? In the fourth game, when he was tired, Christian used his old ploy of wiping the imaginary water off the court floor. Refreshed, he continued the game but to no avail, he lost and the games were tied 2 – 2. There was absolute silence in the room when the two players entered the court for the fifth and final game, except for the caps snapping off the bottles. Seb turned on the afterburners and that was it. The old master himself had to step down from his throne and give the crown to the young Sebastien. There was not a dry eye in the place. “He was good,” cried one old lady, “but it was time for him to go” Meanwhile on court 2, Ryan Depretis, the Rookie and Brian Corrigan, the veteran, met in what could have been a bloodbath, but wasn’t. The ever crafty Brian noticed after about 50 shots, that Ryan was returning the backhand serve by standing with his back against the wall and doing a forehand shot. “Once I figured that out, I drilled my serves right at him,” commented Brian. “Eventually he adjusted and then I started dropping the ball. I don’t think he was used to that. He caught onto that, but by then it was too late. He gave me a great game, though.” By the time Brian had finished his game analysis the fans had either left or were sound asleep. Next in the arena, fighting for Men’s C and meeting for the first time were Domenico Ciarallo and Jeffrey St. Amant. “Who is this guy?” inquired Domenico. “He never played in Wednesday Night League, did he? After the match Domenico knew who Jeffrey St. Amant was – the winner. It was a great match, though.

David Warner, Physical Park’s chef, prepared the most amazing chicken wings, pizza bites and crudities. The entire club dropped by to munch and there was still tons left. Thanks David!

Thanks to Alex and Adam for the free beer.

Thanks Darnley, for organizing the draw.

Thanks to everyone for participating.

Congratulations to Sebastien Boudreau for being the number 1 player in the club.

The theme for next year is revenge!! Start practising!!

Ray Oesterreich and Zack Karim met on the court for the first time. Both of them young, tall and buff, they certainly looked impressive. Their match was impressive, too, with long rallies, sometimes 200 shots in a row. When they finished the match, they were old, short and skinny. That’s what squash can do to you.

Domineco Ciarallo showed no mercy as he defeated Geoff Bawart 3 – 1. Geoff was doing well until he tripped over Domeneco’s mouth guard. Jeffrey St. Amant, a bit of a mystery man, came out of seclusion to defeat Sigi Nino. It was a great match, a credit to the skills of both players.

The Club Championships have spawned the careers of two exciting and totally unique young players. Both of them are dynamic Real Estate agents and they closed 4 deals in the midst of competition. Anthony Snyder, the more sedate of the two, displayed some excellent racquet skills and good game sense. Ryan Depretis, on the other hand, blasted onto the court like he was shot from a canon. He was everywhere, thrashing and slashing, shooting between his legs. The fans loved it. “This is what squash needs, entertainment!”

The Paparazzi were all over Ryan. Anderson Cooper was waiting for an interview. Rush Limbaugh had already denounced Anthony and Ryan as Democratic pawns. Unfortunately, Christian Danis had to encounter both young men on his journey to the finals. Christian’s journey ended rather suddenly. When he played Anthony, Christian was still dizzy from playing Ryan. It was like a tag team match. One started the job and the other jumped in to finish it. Anthony won 3 -0, but the games were close.

In the meantime, Philippe Abi Saleh entered the club. As he approached court two, the walls started packing their bags ready to leave. “Philippe, you’re playing on court 1.” The walls of court two started cheering. Philippe entered court 1 before the walls had a chance to prepare. Philippe had no idea whom he was playing. OH MY GOD, IT WAS RYAN DEPRETIS!!! Philippe, not known for his good humour, stepped into a tornado when his match with Ryan started. Ryan hit the ball so hard it went through the walls a few times. Once it passed right through the wall between the courts and knocked out a player on the other side. To his credit, Philippe kept his temper for most of the match. In the final game, Ryan won the last point, when he hit Philippe in the back and Darnley declared it a stroke for Ryan. “The ball was on its way to the front wall,” explained Darnley. Yes, it was on its way to the front wall, but Philippe was still attached! That was it for Philippe! His good behaviour came to an end! He blasted Darnley and then left the club uttering every profanity imaginable. You almost made it this time, Philippe! The march out of the club is long and lonely!

The game of the night, though, was between Alex Von Huene and Gerry Poole. Fans poured in from all corners of the world. Gerry’s lovely wife was there to cheer on her man. The fans were not disappointed! It was the match that dreams are made of, except for Gerry who has had nightmares ever since, but that’s another story. The games went right to the wire. Gerry played like a god. Alex was like greased lightning. The last point of the game – GERRY HIT THE TIN!!!!! After the crying was over, Alex was a good sport and didn’t rub it in. WRONG!!!! Alex savoured the win like a Cheshire cat!

More to come….

Three weeks ago the league was flowing along smoothly and all was well with the world. Brenda was lulled into a false sense of security, she relaxed her iron fisted control on the players and then all hell broke loose. No shows, no shows, no shows. Yan was working on the roofs, Tyler was delivering goods across the country, Maurice was pretending to be injured so he could save his calves for golf, Monique was injured, Ed was away, but played his games in advance, Ed’s in Brenda’s Good Books, and so the story goes on and on…

Meanwhile back at the courts, Zack should have stayed home. His match with Alex was over so fast that the fans wondered if it had actually taken place. People were seen scratching their heads and mumbling, “I think I saw it, but maybe I’m wrong.” “It couldn’t have happened, it was too fast.” “Zack was here, wasn’t he?”

During the next match, Brian and Laura battled back and forth. Brian won the first two games and then Laura, looking lovely in chartreuse, started adjusting her bra strap in front of Brian. Everyone pointed at Brian and warned, “If you lose the next game, Brian, we’ll know what you are!” Sure enough, he lost. His hand was seen shaking as he held the racquet. When Laura came off the court, Darnley started talking about “length” and that was it for Brian. He didn’t stand a chance. Laura went on the court and dominated. Brian was only a shadow of his former self. Laura knew that she had her “Wonderbra” doing wonders for her and she attacked like a spitfire. Brian left the court mumbling that he liked when a match went to 5 games, but the fans weren’t buying it. The score was tied at 14, Brian asked for a “let” and Darnley said no. Would Brian be able to handle it? He was a sucker for the bra strap, now what about the controversial call? Brian rallied, but Laura was victorious 18 – 16. She came off the court and gave Darnley a tongue lashing for not calling a “Stroke” against Brian, when she was leading 15 – 14. Darnley, if Laura had lost the match you would not have lived to see tomorrow.

Being the philosopher that she is Brenda was overheard telling Fox News that squash is like a game of “Snakes and Ladders.” Some people go up the ladders and some go down the snakes. Yan, Ed, Maurice and Ray are sliding down those reptiles while Christian, Wills, Laura and Domenico are climbing those ladders.

It’s tournament time, Folks. Sign up for the Club Championships.

See you in October when the league resumes.

Keep practising.